"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." (Luke 10:41)

This is my life at the moment: at sea, adrift, worried about many things, confused, unsettled. I suppose it doesn't help that there are so many changes taking place. I retired, and although I knew it was time, this is another change to the routine of my life. I'm thrilled that I have been able to sleep each morning till I wake up; no alarm after a lifetime of getting up early.

The pastors threw a retirement party for me on Wednesday, my last day. I was so honored and pleased with how they celebrated me and my years of working with them.
 

I took home most of the flowers that were used for decorations and filled three vases with tulips and some roses.

 

There were around 26 people that attended the party and all of them wrote a card full of nice words to and about me.

Then on Sunday morning, Pastor announced to the congregation that I retired after 26 years of working in the church office. He put up a slide with my picture and a list of adjectives that people had used to describe me. It felt a little awkward to me, and I felt my knees go weak but I was thankful that now everyone knows, and I don't have to keep telling people I'm no longer in the office.

You would think that with all this affirmation and positive attention, I would be up on Cloud 9. What was the matter with me? Then the Lord led me to an article that Alisha Bozarth had posted. She is an author who lost her husband in an automobile accident several years ago. She has a beautiful way with words, and her article, Widowhood is More Than... really hit the nail on the head for me. The reason I was struggling in spite of good things happening is because I couldn't share those blessings with the one I love. I think it is ok to reprint her words here. I don't see that it is copyrighted material, and she notes at the bottom of her article that it can be shared.

Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And he's not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without him you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without him.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not his spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for [44] years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing his presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.
Widowhood…..is life changing.


So reading this and re-reading it, identifying with her words, feeling what she is describing - I consider it a gift from the Lord to help me realize I'm not alone. There are other people who are going through a similar loss. Grieving is natural and normal, and it helps to explain why I am feeling so confused. There are decisions that need to be made, things I need to do, but I don't have the motivation or inclination to do them. It's so much more motivating to do a job if you can share it with your loved one and have him be happy with you on how much you accomplished today. And of course, it's also added incentive if he helps you with that task.

I do feel like Martha, though. I have so many things I need to do, decisions that need to be made, things that are swirling around in my head. But Jesus told Martha that only one thing is needed: to sit at Jesus' feet, listen to his life-giving words, rest in the joy of who he is, just be in his presence. (Luke 10:42) He promises that if we come to him, he will give rest for our souls.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

This morning I read in New Morning Mercies: "Because he controls the details of your life, he is always near; at any moment, you can reach out and touch him. Rest is only ever found in trusting the One who has everything figured out for your good and his glory. Because he is wise, gracious, faithful, and powerful, he is worthy of your trust and is alone able to give your heart rest."

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~ Psalm 27:14

Retirement

"So what are you going to do with yourself when you retire?" That is a fair question. I've been thinking about that and have made a plan. I admit it's a somewhat loose and general plan, but this is retirement, after all.

1.  I will need to oversee the construction and progress of the addition that is being built onto Dawn's house. There will be decisions to be made, shopping to be done, all kinds of meetings with the builder, talking it out with Dawn, and I'm sure there are lots more things I don't even know about yet.

2.  I will need to go through all my stuff and organize, throw away, give away, decide what to do with a basement, shed, 2 garages and a house full of stuff. That is going to take time to sit with items and decide what to do with everything.

3.  I anticipate having more time that's available to spend with my children and grandchildren. As the kids have gotten older, they are involved in more activities, and it's harder to find time to spend with them when I have to try to fit them in around my work schedule.

4.  I feel a need to grieve more fully. There have been mornings when I sit in my chair and can't stop the flow of tears. But because I have to go to work, I force myself to put those tears on the back burner. I really don't know what this will look like, but I want to embrace it and learn through it.

5.  I don't anticipate that I will cease ministering to people as the Lord provides opportunity. I desire to be open and available to whatever the Lord brings my way. I know I'm flawed with lots of cracks, but I hope the Lord shines brightly through me. 2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

6.  God has blessed me with many friends, and I hope I will now be able to spend more time with them. I have several trips planned this spring, with the tickets already bought. I will be flying to South Carolina the end of March to spend a week with my sister. Then at the end of April, I will be flying to Richland, Washington to spend two weeks with my friends there.

Retirement is bitter sweet. It will be the end of a significant chapter in my life. I've worked in the church office for over 26 years, so this will be a big change. But I am excited about it.

I've been amused by the fact that I turn 70 on Wednesday. How did I get this old? So this is my new life verse:

Psalm 90:10 ~ "The length of our days is 70 years..."

But the verse goes on to say ..."or 80 if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away."

Then this week in my reading, I came across Psalm 73:25-28. The Message says it like this: "You're all I want in heaven! You're all I want on earth! When my skin sags and my bones get brittle, God is rock hard and faithful. I'm in the very presence of God. Oh, how refreshing it is! I've made God my home. God, I'm telling the world what You do."

I wonder which is better: to be busy with family and friends or to stay home and "enjoy" alone time. It doesn't seem to matter because in either scenario, without any warning, I can be on the verge of tears. The thought of spending the rest of my life without Andy is so painful. I wish I could keep from thinking about that...but that's impossible.

I'm trying to keep busy. Last weekend I had Asher over for 2 nights, then took him home on Sunday. It was his birthday on Jan. 31. He turned 11 and it was such a pleasure to have him. He's fun-loving and a good conversationalist. We played 22 games of "greedy" and watched 4 movies, as well as took a very nice long hike at Palmyra Cove Nature Center. It was pretty cold but the sun was shining and we were dressed warm.

I drove Asher back Sunday morning so I went to church with the family, then we celebrated his birthday with a very nice lunch/dinner before I came back home.

And yesterday we celebrated two more birthdays: Cole turned 3 on Feb. 1 and Kasey will be 5 on Feb. 8. Dawn made a Barbie cake that both kids were excited about, yes, even Cole. Probably in another year or so, she'll have to attempt a Super-Hero cake for him.

I'm trying to keep myself centered on Scripture and the love of the Lord for me, His child. I recently subscribed to the Desiring God website, where they send me daily articles. This morning, there was a feature by Vaneetha Risner that ministered to me. The Executive Editor of Desiring God introduced her article with these words:

From psalms and prophecies to epistles, the Bible did not come to people on extended vacations. They were suffering. Life was hard. They were desperate for a word from God.

I’m thankful when God meets me on happy days. But I have found it to be true, time and time again, that the Bible really comes alive when I’m desperate. When I’m hurting. In the worst of times. 

Vaneetha Risner has discovered something similar. “When I opened the Bible [in desperation], I needed God to feed me. . . . The more I had to search, the sweeter the manna tasted, the deeper the words penetrated, and the more precious the truths became.” Perhaps you’ve tasted something similar. Glean from Vaneetha’s story of learning to read the Bible through tears.

Her name sounded familiar to me because I had read a book she had written: The Scars That Have Shaped Me. She writes: "My scars remind me that God is sufficient and that physical perfection is not our goal. A life lived to God's glory is infinitely more valuable...My scars signify healing. And even though my initial flesh wounds have healed, there is yet a deeper healing in acceptance."

She references Michael Card's song, Known by the Scars:

The marks of death that God chose never to erase
The wounds of love's eternal war
When the kingdom comes with its perfected sons
He will be known by the scars.
 Songwriters: Michael Card

Known by the Scars lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Vaneetha reminds us that "God chose not to erase these marks of death -- the wounds of his love for us -- so our Savior will always be known by his scars. Rather than physical imperfections, Jesus's scars are breathtakingly beautiful. They represent his love and our salvation."

I spent a couple of weeks reading The Joy of Fearing God by Jerry Bridges. One of his chapters focused on the "stewardship of pain." This was interesting to think about and I liked his explanation..."If we believe God is sovereignly in control of all circumstances of our lives, then our pain is something He has given to us just as much as our time or talents or treasure. He has entrusted the pain to us as stewards to be used for His glory. How can we be good stewards of the pain God gives us? One way...is to trust Him even though we don't understand the purpose of the pain. Another way is to ask for and experience the sufficiency of His sustaining grace, as Paul did with his thorn in the flesh, to the extent that we can actually rejoice in our weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on us (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). We can then, as God gives opportunity, testify to the sufficiency of His sustaining grace. In doing so, however, we want to seek the glory of His grace, not the glory of our ability to endure."

At first I questioned the phrase that God gives us pain. As I reflected on that, though, the Lord reminded me that when Job was tested, he was not told of the conversation between God and Satan. But he praised God, trusting Him and worshiping Him with these words: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." The God gives a commentary on this statement by adding in the very next verse that "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21 & 22)

And in the next chapter, after Job's wife counsels him to curse God and die, Job answers her by saying: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" And again, God comments that "in all this, Job did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10)

People often use suffering as an indictment against God, but in reality, it is our own sin that has cursed our world. Adam and Eve in the Garden chose to disobey, even though God warned them that to do so would result in death. We live with pain and suffering here, but even though it's our, and all of humankind's, fault, He does not leave us in this sorry, pitiful condition."God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

I continue to be amazed at His love for me. I was reading in Isaiah 43 and kept my Bible open all week to this passage so that I could read and ponder it every day.

Isaiah 43:1-5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 
and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah wrote these words to the Israelites as they were going into captivity, but they apply to us today, as well, because this is the character of God and how He deals with His children.

How good is the God we adore!

Grief Journey

Just when you think you're doing pretty well with this grief thing, you spend a week crying, so on the edge. I have to admit to myself that I'm still very fragile. It seems like the  smallest thing can get blown all out of proportion. Things that are really of insignificant consequence send me over the edge.

It was one of those weeks. Thankfully, the Lord ministers to me in these moments with grace and evidence that he is not condemning but carrying me in my grief. I came across an article on Friday written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. He has written a number of books on grief, but this was an article entitled, Recognize You Are Not Crazy. He wrote: "You may feel like you are surviving fairly well one minute and in the depths of despair the next. Sudden changes in mood are a difficult, yet natural, part of your grief journey. Mood changes can be small or very dramatic..."

He says you may feel like you're sailing along feeling pretty good, when out of nowhere comes this overwhelming feeling of grief. He calls this "a griefburst - a sudden, sharp feeling of grief that can cause anxiety and pain. Griefbursts may feel like 'crazybursts,' but they are normal. When and if one strikes, be compassionate with yourself. You have every right to miss the person who has died."

He goes on to differentiate between crying and sobbing. "If you're crying and sobbing a lot, you may feel like you're out of control. Sobbing is like wailing, and it comes from the inner core of your being. It is an expression of the deep, strong emotions within you. These emotions need to get out, and sobbing allows for their release. Cry as long and as hard and as often as you need. Don't try to be strong and brave for yourself or others. Tears have a voice of their own. You will be wise to allow yours to speak to you."

Reading this made me realize the timing of my retirement is right. I've been feeling that it would be nice to have the freedom to spend a day crying. There have been a number of days recently that I've been tearful but needing to suck it up, get ready for work and get out of the house. I think I need to embrace my grief and take the time I need to do it well...whatever that looks like.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with something on my mind. In wondering how everything was going to work out, God reminded me that He controls the universe. He measures the heavens with the breadth of his hand and holds the oceans in the palm of his hand. He is soooooo big and transcendent. At the same time, he sees the minutest detail, even the common sparrow that falls to the ground. Since I am worth many sparrows, do I think he does not notice and care about the things that concern me? He is not only transcendent, he is also immanent. Here with me. God with us! When I reflected on these truths about God, I felt  a peace envelope me and I was able to go back to sleep.

I am currently reading Paul Tripp's New Morning Mercies every morning. That morning's reading emphasized the faithfulness of God.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9 ~ "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." That reminded me further of the verse in 2 Timothy 2:13 that even "if we are faithless, He will  remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." I'm so glad it doesn't depend on my measly faith. Even when my faith falters, He remains faithful, because that is His character.

As a further treat yesterday morning, when I opened my blinds to greet the day, I saw this amazing sunrise.

And then wonder of wonders, Chris Tomlin's Song, Nobody Loves Me Like You came on the radio...so appropriate in the moment.

Morning, I see You in the sunrise every morning
It's like a picture that You've painted for me
A love letter in the sky

 

Story, I could've had a really different story
But You came down from heaven to restore me
Forever saved my life

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

 

Mountains, You're breaking down the weight of all my mountains
Even when it feels like I'm surrounded
You never leave my side, oh oh oh 

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

Songwriters: Scott Cash / Ed Cash

Nobody Loves Me Like You lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

I couldn't believe the beauty and was just able to get my shoes on, step out on the front porch and snap a picture. And that quickly, in the next minute, all the red was gone and the moment was over. What a treat and blessing from the God who loves me. 

In spite of the red morning, that usually indicates bad weather coming, it was a lovely day: cold but bright sun and no wind. A perfect recipe for a hike in the woods. My friend took me to a hike I had never done before, Blueberry Hill, and we had a wonderful time enjoying the gravel pit and woods.We got in about 3 miles, walking in the woods, then wandering around down in the sand pit.

Then we had a surprise when we found all these little icicles "growing" up out of the soil. Don't ask me to explain this phenomenon, just enjoy!

 

 

Isn't God amazing and creative! These amazing moments make the grief journey more bearable.

A New Year

I'm glad the holidays are over. There were many wonderful moments spent with family and friends but I couldn't help missing my favorite person in all those wonderful moments. My tear ducts got plenty of workouts these last few weeks.

I came across a very helpful article by Nancy Guthrie. I resonate with everything she writes because she obviously is acquainted with grief and not only understands it, but is able to articulate it in a way that ministers to the heart and soul.

The article I am referring to can be read in full here. I will just review her five main points. She writes to those who have recently lost someone they love and to those who would like to be able to comfort them.

1.  Even the best times are punctuated with an awareness that someone is missing.

2.  Social situations are hard.

3.  Extended family can be awkward and uneasy.

4.  Tears are not a problem.

5.  It can be hard to remember why Christmas should be so merry.

She said that "tears do not reflect a lack of faith. Tears are a gift from God that help to wash away the deep pain of loss." I have come to not mind crying. I always seem to feel better after a "good cry." And when I have those moments of crying, I remind myself that someday, Jesus will wipe all those tears away. He sees and cares.

I've tried to keep busy and spend as much time with the kids and grandkids as I can. On Christmas Eve, I left home after lunch and drove to Christy's. I went with her family to her church's Christmas Eve service. She was busy with directing two numbers with the adult choir, then two more numbers with a children's choir, as well as playing with Grace for the offertory. She did an amazing job and I was right proud of her. I know Andy would have been, too.

I stayed overnight with them. The kids said they were going to sleep downstairs by the Christmas tree and invited me to join them there, but I declined, preferring a bed.

On Christmas morning, they awoke early and got permission to open the gifts in their stockings before Christian and Christy came downstairs. I stayed to eat breakfast with them, then drove up to join Amy and her family for Christmas Day.

We had our "Wallin" Christmas on New Year's Eve. Everyone was able to be here this year...no sickies. We had our usual brunch before opening our gifts. Then we just hung out and enjoyed being together the rest of the day.

I love these family pictures. Everyone's personality comes shining through. There are a lot of us, though, aren't there???


And here are my darling daughters. Don't mind my funny face...why am I scrunching my nose? Ha, ha

I was able to fit in a couple of hikes in November with friends. We've had so much rain (will it ever stop?) that made the creeks and waterways full and overflowing.

At one point we couldn't go any further and had to turn around and go back the same way we came.

I had not been to this spot before that I could remember and was delighted to take in its beauty: Goshen Pond in the Pine Barrens.

This past weekend, Friday and Saturday, I spent with Amy and her family. I played games with the kids on Friday afternoon, stayed in their guest room overnight, then just lounged on Saturday morning. Amy wanted to take me to a little coffee shop that she likes, so we took the kids and had our coffee and hot chocolate, and shared a peanut butter brownie, before I took off for home again.

 
The process has begun toward building an in-law suite onto Dawn's house. I hired an architect and he has given me an initial set of plans. Dawn, Tommy and I looked them over, tweaked them and got a revised set. I'm happy with the architect that we are using. He is helpful, courteous, patient in explaining why certain things can't be done but mostly very professional and knowledgeable. I think we'll all be very happy with the final result. There is still lots of work for him to do, some of which include adding in electrical, heating and air conditioning, plumbing, etc. But we're on our way...

Another big change is on the horizon. I am retiring from my job in the church office after 26 years. I only have five weeks left there. It has been a wonderful job, ministering to the body of Christ using the gifts and abilities He's given me, and working in an environment that honors Christ. I will miss being there but felt God leading me that it was time to pass the baton to the younger generation.

With all that's happening this coming year, I feel like the time was right to retire. I will have more time to spend with the grandkids. It's been harder to find a time that works for them and me. As they get older, they are involved in more activities and it's been a bit of a challenge to fit them in around my work schedule.

I will also be busy with supervising and overseeing the building of the suite onto Dawn's house. Many decisions will have to be made and it will be nice to have the time to do that. I also need to go through my house and systematically decide on what to keep (not much), what to throw away and what to give away or sell - major downsizing. I have accumulated a lot of stuff, and it will require much effort to clean out the basement, two garages and the shed, let alone the living spaces in the house. Most of my furniture will not fit in a smaller suite/apartment.

I'm also hoping to fit in a few trips this year. I've had some west coast friends invite me back for a visit. I'd also like to spend some time with my sister again. And I've already got a vacation in Maine on my calendar.

2019 promises to be an interesting year...no lack of new adventures.

And isn't that just like the Lord? I'm grateful that in spite of missing dear Andy, I'm still enjoying life and the blessings the Lord gives in this life. It's an interesting phenomenon how joy and sadness can co-exist. I anticipate that I'll always miss Andy. He will never be forgotten. What I went through with his illness and loss is a part of my story. In the midst of the pain and sorrow I experienced and the grief I still experience, I have also experienced the comfort of the Lord, answers to my pleas for help, his nearness, his presence through it all. He is a good God, full of grace, love, compassion, and yes, even joy.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I can overflow with hope because "Christ is [in me], the Hope of Glory." Colossians 1:27

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas: the most wonderful time of the year...or is it?

I've been struggling with tears and the lump in my throat as I think about these holidays without my dear Andy. Listening to Christmas songs is not necessarily helpful, especially secular Christmas music.  Songs with lyrics like:

"May your days be merry and bright

"Have a holly jolly Christmas...It's the best time of the year"

"Have a happy holiday, everyone dancin' merrily"

references to mistletoe, good times, home for the holidays

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Then this morning, I heard Ryan Stevenson singing ThisChristmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve

And nothing's under the tree

But I'm not blue

'Cause I've got you, and baby you've got me

And this holiday

We're gonna be okay

We ain't got much

But baby we've got us, and that's all we need

Ugh...This one was so sad to me. It's not ok because I don't have my "baby." This did bring back memories though, because there were many Christmases where we were too poor to get each other gifts, agreeing to save our money for more of the necessities. The first four years of our marriage were spent in seminary, each of us working several jobs to avoid wracking up student debt.

I found a picture of our tree our first Christmas together.

 

Pretty pathetic, I know, but there's a story to go with it. Andy and a friend got a permit that cost $1 to go into the mountains near Portland and cut down their own tree. It was quite an adventure for the two guys because they had to trudge through deep snow; and the trees were growing on a mountain which made them asymmetrical. But I think Andy did pretty good in the end, and it was a tree to be proud of!

So in one sense, this is not the most wonderful time of the year, because who enjoys sadness and struggling to keep from crying and being reminded of happier past Christmases. But if we keep our focus on the present, we are overcome with despair and depression because there is so much to be sad about. However, in a conversation I had with someone the other day, he encouraged me to remember the reason for the season! It's not necessarily about family traditions, giving and receiving gifts, lots of parties and fun times. If we focus on the real meaning of Christmas, on the past, then yes, it is the most wonderful time of the year. It is the greatest story ever told. It's what gives us hope in the middle of hard times here. The Gift is the Giver! Amazing. He willingly left the safety and splendor of heaven to live with us, to become like us. Because he lived in our world, he understands the heartache and suffering that we endure. 

"He was a Man of Sorrows, familiar with grief." Isaiah 53:3

"Because He Himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

 

I've been reading Ken Gire's book, Moments with the Savior.

 

 

He has a beautiful way of writing about special moments Jesus spent with people in his three years of ministry. I'll give two examples. 

Mary Magdalene had been there when he suffered at the cross; now he is there when she is suffering at the empty tomb on Resurrection Morning. She had stood by him in his darkest hour (at the cross); now he is standing by her in hers. He had seen her tears; now he is there to wipe them away. In the triumph of the resurrection, Jesus could have paraded through the streets of Jerusalem. He could have knocked on Pilate's door. He could have confronted the Pharisees. But the first person our resurrected Lord appears to is a woman without hope. And the first words he speaks are: "Woman, why are you crying?" What a Savior we serve, or rather who serves us. For in his hour of greatest triumph, he doesn't shout his victory from the rooftops. he comes quietly to a woman who grieves...who desperately needs to hear his voice...see his face...and feel his embrace.

Or what about Peter? Can you imagine the guilt Peter felt after he denied his Lord? He must have spent every moment beating himself up, agonizing over his denial of Jesus. But Jesus is gentle and gracious, obviously forgiving Peter when they meet on the shore of the lake. He simply asks Peter: "Do you love me?" He asks three times, once for each denial. Not to rub it in, but to give Peter an opportunity to openly confess his love. Something Peter desperately needs to verbalize. By the third time Jesus asks him, Peter gets the connection, and a flame leaps from that smoldering memory. But Jesus is not there to inflict pain; he is there to relieve it. Jesus had seen his bitter tears when the rooster crowed. That was all he needed to see. That was repentance enough. Peter looks up, longing for the faintest glimmer of forgiveness. And in a language beyond words, in a language of love, it glows from the Savior's eyes. "Feed my sheep, Peter." Jesus' way of saying, "I still believe in you...I still think you're the right man for the job."

And I wrote down in my journal this morning: "Jesus is my friend. No matter how miserably I let him down, He's always there to pick me up. No matter how many times I fail Him, He is always there to forgive me. No matter how far I drift, He is always there, waiting for me to return...waiting with a comforting fire...warm food and a heart full of love."

There is great comfort in these truths. Simeon declared that Jesus was to be the consolation of Israel. (Luke 2:25) God longs to comfort his people who have suffered so much. Yes, a lot of their suffering was because of their willfulness and idolatry. But that doesn't negate God's love and compassion. Through Isaiah, he promises comfort for his people with the coming of the Lord. 

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." (Isaiah 40:1-2)

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

"I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass..." (Isaiah 51:12)

"The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." (Psalm 145:9)

It's because of the Baby in the manger and the reason he came that this is the most wonderful time of the year. This brings hope to our darkest and loneliest times.

Seasons come and seasons go. I've been wrestling with the idea of not blogging any more. I've come through a season of intense difficulty and struggle, but that is now over. Yes, there are other things that I'm dealing with and will experience, but the level of intensity has eased significantly.

I feel like I'm beginning a new chapter in the story of my life. God is still very present in that story, but it's going to be different from what I've come through.

I believe God is leading me to be more involved with my grandkids and family. I'm excited about spending more time with the ones I love.

I believe the purpose of my life is not over, and although I'm still searching that one out, I believe that God will show me along the way His purpose for me.

Remember by Lauren Daigle
Album: Look Up Child
Released : 2018
In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear’s on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all alone
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way
I’ve seen giants fall, I’ve seen mountains move
I’ve seen waters part because of You
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

 I can’t stop thinking about
I can’t stop thinking about
I can’t stop thinking about
Your goodness, goodness

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there
With me

Although the journey was difficult, I'm grateful for the memory of God's faithfulness, nearness and presence with me on that journey. It is a comfort to have that experience of His goodness to me in the middle of what appeared to be very bad, because it strengthens my faith that no matter what the future holds, God will continue to be faithful.

There are 52 verses in Psalm 89 and Ethan the Ezrahite, who wrote the psalm, mentions God's faithfulness in seven of those verses, as well as describing God's love as being faithful.

Psalm 89:1
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations."

Verse 2
"I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself."

Verse 5
"The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too, in the assembly of the holy ones."

Verse 8
"O Lord God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O Lord, and your faithfulness surrounds you."

Verse 14
"Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you."

Verse 33
"But I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness."

Verse 49
"O Lord, where is your former great love, which in your faithfulness you swore to David?"

Verse 24
"My faithful love will be with him...(speaking of David)

And even "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself" (2 Timothy 2:13).

What an awesome God. He is worthy of all our honor and glory and praise. May the rest of my life be a testimony of God's grace.